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Hockey=Cool

I like procrastinating, and I like masturbating almost as much. Thus, another entry in the blog, my first one in nearly a year. And what a year it has been-yup, the first one that I can recall in a good four years where I didn't fuck a morbidly obese chick. Supernatural and apocalyptic. We live in scary times, my friends.

And what a year it's been for hockey! Thank God it came back! Now, I can catch parts of the game during the "clean-up" in between stripper's performances. Think about it-the raging boner I get from a stellar performance from Brodeur against the Habs gives the peeler something to grind on during a Scunt-financed lap dance. Livin' the motherfucking dream!

Hockey provides so much humor, so much unintentional comedy (to steal a phrase from ESPN's "The Sports Guy"), too. I mean, today, I just learned that Charles Wang of the Islanders signed Rick DiPietro to a 15 year contract. A 15 year contract! I will be a middle aged sex offender by the time it runs out!

Now, this is funny for several reasons:

1. The owner of the Islanders is named Charles Wang. Wang. WANG!!!! You could even call him Chuckie Wang, giving him instant stret cred with his porn-star like name. And this would bring the game's terminology-the slot, the five whole, a three-on-one, clutching and grabbing, wrist shot, etc...-into the upper echelon of cool, maybe helping the NHL surpass such amazing sports as NASCAR and Arena Football in terms of popularity in the U.S.. And I haven't even mentioned the dreams of attracting the deviants of society through a correct and innovative marketing campaing revolving around Darren "The Pooper" Puppa. Think about it...

2. Rick DiPietro is 25, and will be 40 when his contract runs out, thereby approaching Ed Belfour territory. And this is the beauty of the length this contract-if DiPietro approaches anything even close to Belfour in terms of stain-like behavior, then we all will be winners! I mean, I would love to get emails of DiPietro boozing in some dude's basement, clearly annihilated beyond all recognition, or to hear about DiPietro attempting to bribe law authorities with "ONE BILLION DOLLARS" to get out of a DUI. DiPietro is a cunt, just like Belfour, and he plays for a shitty team, just like Belfour, so I for one am looking forward to all the stories coming from Long Island over the next decade and a half.

This blog entry is long enough without me going into how shitty a player DiPietro has turned out to be (Milbury could have chosen Heatley, Gaborik, or Luongo over this guy in the draft), or how the guy who forged the contract was back-up-goalie-turned-GM in Garth Snow. No, those targets are too easy. Let's just be happy that this whole thing happened, as at least it'll give you pricks something to talk about as I'm beating everyone at NHL 2007 this December.

Later,

Moose

posted by Team Shawn Michaels @ 11:18 p.m.