Open Up And Say BLOG!

As Constant as the Northern Star

Dave and John co-wrote this piece...see if you can see where the hand-offs occur!

If you want to know what it's like visiting Moose here in Adelaide, picture drinking with Moose back home and then shift the whole mutha-fucking thing half a world away. That is about an accurate representation of what it was like here that I can give in 50 words or less.

It's 10:30 in the morning. We finished drinking a scant 7 hours ago and we're ready to go again. We have a case of beer in the house. Beer is, like, $35 a god damned case...ouch. But then I found out that you actually get 30 beers in a case! Flawless victory number one. Flawless victory number two is how Moose lives with two other girls. (Yes...hygiene to Moose here is as important as it was back home). Anyways, one of his roommates is Canadian... I get into this rant about fucking Americans acting like the own the god damned world, blah blah blah...and Moose points out that the other roommate (who is sitting on the couch behind me) is actually American. Thus, I have pissed off the roommates such that we have not yet seen them since the very first day!

No matter. As I said, we are drinking very early so we decide to call Jody. It's 8.5 hours later in Edmonton than it is here, but you have to subtract a day. We explain how we had an amazing night at Shennanigans the night before. No...HONESTLY...there is a bar called Shennanigans. AND there is a restaurant too...I have pictures. Moose and I danced -- by ourselves -- all night long. And we made some new dance moves as well. Basically, you do the "Championship Belt" move....if you know wrestling, you know what I'm taking about...but as you are doing that, you ALSO have to thrust your hips outward and upward (ala Call On Me style). There were also a lot of fights IN the bar. Basically 'cause we were styling all the Australian women and the guys had nothing else to do!

After grabbing some fucking food at the fucking hospital, and getting caught skipping by one of my professors, Muley, Corinna and I head downtown. We fucking immediately pull the fucking rip cord and begin boozing. Keep in mind it's about 11 AM at this time. Booze is exensive here, but seriously, so is food, and sacrifices have to be fucking made. Following this logic to its natural conclusion, we forgo eating the rest of the day for the barley sandwiches. Also, I'm drunk as I write this.

Booze IS expensive. $20 for two god damned pints of Stella Artois. But it DOES do the trick...we get right hammered quickly and decide to make our own pub crawl. We get to a place called the Elephant Pub. Just like the Elephant and Castle...but no Castle. Booze here is really cheap ($5 pints) and we go to town until this 2 man Irish band starts playing. I shit you not...I now know that the Banishees of Irish Folklore are NOT REAL...it's just two Irish musicians. The caterwailing is horrendous and we HAVE to leave. But Cori needs to pake a tiss, so we do what we normally do when she is gone and start shouting out random girl names. Joanne...Amanda...Sarah...Jill. All came up empty. But I try one more. BRITTANY.

Bing bing bing. Target located. We faked her with a roundhouse and hit her with a swift jab to the solar plexus. This is only the second time in my life where this trick has worked. As of now, we officially have a streak and winning percentage! Moose tries to talk to her -- try being the operative word -- but instead just asks what the time was and we leave.

I'll skip the main details of some bars and just highlight the low points.

-- We went to this British pub with a buck hunter game. These two guys were playing...and we totally impressed them by explaining that we've seen every animal in the wild that they were shooting. Including the cougar...

-- We went to this bar in a hotel. It was dirty. Corinna would later state that she was worried she'd get gang raped if she went to the bathroom. By woman...

-- I learn that Aussie money is actually made of plastic (not paper) and proceed to spend 5 minutes trying to rip a $20 bill. Had I succeeded, of course, I would have hung myself.

FINALLY we get to the Wool Shed. It's a country bar...in a contintent that doesn't REALLY know country. We ask for a "good shot" and get Chartreusse. What kind of sick fucks are they here, I wonder to myself... They have a mechanical bull, but sadly the beast doesn't accept rides til 9:00 pm and it's now only 5. Thus, there is only one thing to do...drink our faces off til 9. We start pounding beer and Jager bombs with reckless abandon. One thing about Aussies...they can't drink like us. Actually, NO ONE can drink like us. But the Jager Bombs are something new altogether for them. We get a lot of wide eyed stares as we pound 5 in a row and state that we are only warming up. We also ask for a "good shot" and they make us do a shot of Chartruese! Good lord...

They have a juke box here, so naturally we play all awesome songs like "Don't Tell Me" by Avril Lavigne and other songs...but frankly at this point I was too drunk to listen / remember them. As the songs were playing, we were playing pool and watching the Aussie Football League. The pool balls down here are much smaller than in Canada...thereby proving that, indeed, our balls are bigger. Also, the people in the bar are impressed that I know so much about the AFL (thanks Wikipedia) and ask me if I like hockey. Uh...is the Pope Catholic??? We meet these two blokes...err guys...and they tell us a lot of shit about Australia and before you know it, it's 9:30 pm. As in...time to ride a mutha fucking mechanical bull.

OH how I miss you, Cook County. THAT is a real mechanical bull...this, well...this was a piece of shit. You did NOT "strap yourself in", instead you hold onto a little plastic piece of rope that is like a limp piece of spaghetti. It is very difficult to describe in writing as I am also drunk right now. AND, once the thing started fucking going...well, it's NOT a real bull motion. This thing just goes around like a merry-go-round. No bucking, just twirling.

And yet Moose and I can barely last more than 4 seconds each. And the bull ride was short too...ZING!!!

Now, it is at this point where the night gets ultra fucking hazy for me. My moral centre gets turned off, and I morph into a cunt quicker than you can say Craig Blair. It was at this time that we decided to go to the fucking strippers (naturally). We were able to find the worst fucking strip bar in the entire civilized world. Seriously, the women were rank, but not to the point where I would turn down lap dances.

At this point, I (Dave) must interject. The women were fat...except one girl who was so skinny (with no tits) that she made an Ethiopian woman look like she needed to go on a diet. I bought Moose this $30 lap dance AND he "entered into a draw" for another lap dance. The first lap dance he got was a public lap dance ON the stage. Indeed, this was not a strip club in the sense that they would dance, remove clothes, and then get off the stage. In fact, there wasn't any dancing at all UNLESS you got a lap dance. That was it ... just public lap dances on the mother fucking stage and then nothing. The second lap dance he got was a private dance. I'd later ask Moose what was better...and he admited that he would actually remember NEITHER dance.

While Moose was having his dances, that's not to say Cori and I had nothing to do. You see, this skin head "just got out of prison" dude and his friend sat down at our table and asked me what "me lady" was doing at a strip club. Sensing imminent danger ahead of me depending on my response, I explained that I was from Canada and that in our strip clubs, more than half the people are normally women! That FLOORED them...as did the fact that we throwing money at the strippers for prizes and that they ALWAYS get naked (even underwear). See...they can't get completely naked down here legally...so when they take off their bottoms, it's only for about 1 minute or so...

This guy keeps trying to talk to me, and I want to leave. This place is the biggest fucking hole of my life...so I distract him with a money line. I tell him to go up to a stripper, and tell her "I'm not a gynocologist, but I'm willing to take a look".

After the strip club, we ask random people on the street where the CASH -SEENO is. The Aussies, of course, say things like "Excuse me, Mate...don't you mean the CASINO"??? Ha, ha, ha...people down here laughed there asses off when I told them how we meant CASH...'cause we were shutting the place after we bought it, etc. BUT when I GOT to casino, and I saw how much money I've already spent that night, I realize that I'm not willing to throw away money unless it has beer in it.

Finally, we get a cab and John RAGES because the cabbies here do NOT know where ANYTHING is. Not that I blame them...the addresses here are all named, and all streets, and the cities are huge. If you don't know where you're going, you're fucked unless you have a map because there are waaaaaay to many named streets -- all in random order -- to know where everything is!

The next night we go to a house party with a bunch of wannabee doctors...which, really, is the truth. Corinna was depressed (and therefore drank her face off) because earlier this day our "Swim with Dolphins" day trip got cancelled. I meet a lot of John's friends from med school and Moose and I drink 52 ounces without blinking...but, there isn't anything specific that I can really talk about (other than his one friend Lauren thinks that we're nice right after Moose accused me of being blatantly racist to American's because I was explaining that they are our largest trading partner and that I should just stop talking -- thereafter we left and miraculously got a cab in Adelaide's version of the O.C. Actually, the party was at the equivalent of Seth Cohen's house and iMarissa Cooper was there...Jody, that last part was for you).

Actually, If I can say one thing about doctors, is that they hook up with each other...a lot. But I'll say no more on that subject (cough, cough, **Moose and Erin, who is supposed to have his children** cough, cough).

posted by Team Shawn Michaels @ 10:33 p.m.