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Weight Class

I have long gone to the Kinsmen center to work out during my lunch hours. Usually this consists of either lifting weights or cardio, along with a session with an exercise ball to work on abs. Alternatively, I'll slip my pale white ass into a pair of swimming trunks and go for a swim.

My boss also goes to the Kinsmen during the week days, although we rarely (if ever) see each other. Whereas I'm in the gym, she is doing some sort of instructor-led class. Wednesday, it seemed, was her "weight cardio" class.

For MONTHS she has been bugging me to try it out with her.

(Okay...lets make this clear now...you can just forget about any perverted notions that might be forming at the tip of minds regarding how my older FEMALE boss might have any sort of notions regarding her YOUNGER male staff member. We have a mutual respect for each other and share a lot of similarities...indeed, I view her as a mother figure.

Then again, we all remember what Freud theorized about boys and their mothers....)

Well, today (for once) I took her up on her offer and accepted her invitation to go to the class. "I'll tell you now," she was quick to warn me, "it's a really intense class". Pssh-aw. What does she know? She is nearly early retirement age...while I'm in my mid twenties, work out a great deal, and am in generally great shape.

So I change and go into the class room. Everyone turns their eyes on me 'cause I'm the "new guy".

It was like I was in the middle of shooting an Edmonton version of the "Call on Me" video...and I was the lucky guy that gets to work out with a room full of women. (Seriously...I was the only dude). But that little fantasy was burst when I realized that my boss was lined up beside me, my former boss in front of me, and to my rear was the Executive Director of...well, I'm not sure what Bonnie does, exactly, but she is ALSO a big-wig in my department!

I quickly learned that for the work out I need:

• an exercise ball
• a mat
• two sets of dead weights of different size
• a power band (i.e. big piece of stretch elastic -- like a wide elastic band with one end cut)
• a thing that looks like a stretchy skipping rope

You can tell how much I'm into this aspect of working out...maybe I should call it "a rubber thingy" and a "stretchy what-cha-mah-call-it"

In terms of the free weights, they "ONLY" had 15 pounders. Again, my ego gets the better of me and I laugh at the puny amount of weight as I grab two of them, as well as a pair of 10 pounders.

The instructor puts on the music and starts the warm-up music. It was Bon Jovi. Awesome. She explains that the course won't build "flashy muscle" but instead developes and tones core muscle groups. Even better!

And that is where the fun ended. What happens next, well, I can only call 1 solid hour of PURE UNADULTERATED FUCKING HELL!

Allow me to provide an exampe: "Okay class...we're staring with lunges, with the weights by your sides...and down, and hold it, and hold it, and now bicep curl into a military press...hold that pose...now drop the weights...and back to standing."

Me. (*Heavy breathing*)...thank god that's over.

Instructor: Okay, great! Now...repeat ten times as a WARM UP. And then we'll do the other side.

Me: Mommy...(*cry softly to self*)

Sweet Mary Mother of CHRIST did I work my tail off. At one point we had to take our exercise ball and walk out across the ball on our hands (such that ultimately our shins rested on the ball, elevated above the ground). The move was (a) do a push up, and then (b) lift one leg off the ball (thereby balancing only on the leg remaining on the ball.

I'm not proud to admit it...but when I went into the "down" position for the push up, sweat didn't just drip off my face...it LITERALLY poured in a steady stream onto the floor. **shudder**

The work out damn near killed me. We did moves that I'm not certain are legal...and I even had to rest 15% of the time! I didn't even do the full workout!

By the end, I wanted to shove every single piece of workout equipment around me straight up the instructor's ass! Why? Cause I had nearly puked after the ab set!!! I could barely walk after the class and almost fell down the stairs to the change room from exhaustion.

But you know what? I've signed up for next week already...and I'm bringing friends!

posted by Team Shawn Michaels @ 5:47 p.m.