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Describe the perfect XXXX in 50 words or less

I hate those kinds of contests; you know, the ones that make you spill your guts on some important subject but having to limit it to a ridiculously small number of words?

I mean, can you imagine trying to describe why world peace is important to you in under 100 words? Think about Sanchu trying to describe how great world peace would be if it meant that the horrific violence between India and Pakistan would cease, and how his family would be safe and wouldn't have to worry about the threat of a nuclear pakie attack from the sky (all apologizes to Sophie, Kunal, and Sanchu for the blantant use of a blantantly racist term).

I know what the organizers of these contests are trying to do....they want to limit the amount of reading they have to do in order to declare a winner.

Speaking of organizers, I'm an organizer. Along with my imaginary-friend-who-you-have-never-met, Sophie, we are the Organizers of a ping-pong tournament at work. Although I haven't told Sophie yet, I'm making a new rule whereby each female participant must compete naked from the waist up, and will earn additional bonus points if they go naked from the waist down as well.

Because planning a naked ping pong tournament is infinitely more fun than trying to write a long winded blog entry, I will instead provide you with the abridged version of last night's shenanigans. Keeping in the spirit of the aforementioned contest, I will attempt to relay the nights events, as I saw them, in 50 points or less.

1. Prior to getting picked up, listen to theme music such as Colour Me Badd's "I wanna sex you up" and Jewel's "Who will save your soul".

2. Get picked up at 11:00 by Houle, Mish, and Moose. Explain repeatedly to Mish why we need to steal a pet from the pet store in order to satisfy the requirements of "The List of Things We Must Do on Moose's Birthday".

3. Go to the liquor store. Contemplate whether or not three guys can finish 48 beers by ourselves or not.

4. Listen to Moose rationalize why 48 beers, between 3 guys, over one full day, really is less than one beer an hour.

5. Try to answer the question "Do you know this man?" in the liquor store. Realize later that it was not an in-store contest; those pictures were individuals who stole from the store.

6. Go to Quizno's and get a tasty, delicious, Black Angus Steak and Cheese on fresh oven baked Rosemary parmesan bread covered with bubbling cheeses and special sauce.

7. Start drinking -- by 11:30 -- at Houle's. Play PS2 and kick Houle's ass at NHL 2004 (but, like it was hard)

8. Receive a phone call from Val. Ask if she is going to wear her corset to work that night at her final night at the Club.

9. Explain to Val that I would go visit her regardless, because she is my friend.

10. Further explain to Val that it was my dick head friends -- Moose and Houle -- who asked me to ask the initial question in the first place. God I hate those guys.

11. Surf the net to see if anyone responded to our www.plentyoffish.com profile. Scratch my head and wonder why this chick needs to put a profile on an online dating service: http://www.plentyoffish.com/member380876.htm (Trust me, it's worth the click...and she lives in Edmonton)

12. Discuss the death of the Pope. Muse to myself if a new email address The_Pope_Kicks_Ass_for_the_Lord@hotmail.com should be created or not.

13. Defend my making of the Terry Schiavo email address. Apologize to Moose for disappointing him and his views on humanity.

14. Head down to the back alley to get picked up by Misheala. Have beers in hand...pound them...go to throw empty cans in trash can. At this point, "Oscar the Grouch" -- a homeless dude -- pops his head up through the dumpster. Takes our cans.

15. Moose has a 5 minute conversation with Oscar.

16. Me bouncing off the front driver side bumper of Jon's SUV after Mish tries to run me over.

17. Somehow being forced to ride in the god damned trunk with Moose.

18. Sad to admit that it is not the first time him and I have been in that situation.

19. Moon cars from the back of the S.U.V. Pray that Houle has a "Honk if you are horny" bumpersticker, to explain the reactions of the drivers of the other vehicles.

20. Get to the strip club and order a drink. Gag at the $5.25 price. Miss the $5.25 prices when they start charging $5.75 for a drink.

21. Cheer and scream wildly at strippers. Ring the Demon Bell when "Call on Me" is played.

22. Go coo-coo for coco-puffs when a stripper does an entire set to Motley Crue songs. Win Moose poster after poster after poster.

23. Get a cab when we could have gotten a ride for free. Discuss with cabbie what it's like to be a cabbie. Contemplate about sleeping with an escort in the back of the cab after the cabbie swears it nearly happened to him two weeks ago. Urge the cabbie to "go for it" as he discusses his career goal of driving a cement truck.

24. Buy aviator sunglasses -- an item from ""The List of Things We Must Do on Moose's Birthday". (Begin looking for a fuzzy pink item for Jill; a small Avril Lavigne T-shirt for me; a new pen for Jody; a male thong for Houle).

25. Repress the urge to punch Moose upon finding out he threw "The List of Things We Must Do on Moose's Birthday" in the garbage, along with the stripper posters that we spent dozens of dollars winning.

26. Go to a petting zoo. Marvel at the minature horse, the drugged goats, and the angry turkey. Wonder which one we should steal...

27. Play laser tag. Unmercilessly hunt down the little children and women in the same group as us. But at least I got first place!

28. Go to Julio's Barrio. Order a round of bull-dogs (a double sized lime margerita with a corona tipped upside down). Then order another round of said drinks.

29. Wear my aviators the whole entire time in the restaurant. (Keep in mind that to wear aviators, I need to remove my regular glasses so I can't see worth a shit, not to mention it's dark in the restaurant).

30. Meet up with Jody and Jill. Jody also wears aviators in the restaurant. Why? Because he can.

31. Explain to the waitress that I drive jets for a living. Emphasis on "drive" as opposed to "fly". Pretend to ignore the fact that she rolls her eyes at all of us.

32. Try to convince my friends that (a) Sophie is real and (b) is actually a nice girl and (c) isn't nearly as mean as she sounds. Regretably, Val did little to back me up in this regard.

33. Pay $100 for supper. Do you know how many day's wages that represents to a Mexican?

34. Get Moose a date for next weekend. But I don't think he remembers this little fact at all, do you Moose?

35. Go back to Houle's and win the Stanley Cup.

36. Drool over all of the incredibly smokin' hot Meadow Lake girls. Megs...I believe the line was "Are you smokin'....as in, smokin' hot?" I've got more class than I know what to do with...

37. Moose and I place a pressed ham on Houle's patio window.

38. Become disturbed over the fact that Moose and I spend a lot of time half naked together.

39. Yell at cars off of Houle's balcony.

40. Watch this pack of guys stare my wife up and down as she crosses the intersection wearing a skirt.

41. Explain to Cori that I'm not lying; that she has great legs; that those guys were, in fact, totally checking her out in a leacherous manner.

42. Back peddle when pressed as to why I didn't "defend my wife's honour" w.r.t. those horny dudes.

43. Sneak into the Stone House. Don't pay cover; don't show my ID, nothing. Feel like I'm in a Fat Joe Music Video for Lean Back -- you know, the line that goes "And we walk around those metal detectors".

44. Shake my rump on the dance floor where, at some point, a chick with long curly blonde hair decides to grab me around the waist from behind. For the love of Christ, what is with that bar...I swear to god I do NOTHING to attract this kind of female attention. Thank Cori for not being jealous.

45. Promptly begin to grind with Megan and Mish. Sigh...I'll never learn.

46. Make a "Jill Sandwich" with me and Jody as the pieces of bread.

47. Head to the stage on the dance floor to perform our version of the Full Monty...without the "getting naked and showing our kibble and bits" part. Amazed at how Jody can "nip-up" at will.

48. See Kenton, Kayla, and Marie. For some reason, at that moment, I have a strange desire for Chinese food...bizarre. Kenton...are you sure you don't have a little sop, sop, soy in you at all?

49. Say good bye to everyone and leave the bar. What time is it? I have no idea. But I do know that it's been 12 hours of drinking....again. (Sob...our A.A. members are going to be SO disappointed with us).

50. Take a bus home and pass out.

I'm sure there was more to the day than I can recall...especially the parts that occur after I get back to Houle's. But at that point, needless to say, we were blitzed more than an opposing quarterback facing a stauch defence.

Peace Out, A-town down.

posted by Team Shawn Michaels @ 6:32 p.m.