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Our first post!

I am suddenly hit with a shocking revelation. Now, it might just be me, but our lives might just make one kick-ass porno. How many of you can HONESTLY try to deny that the much bally-hoo'd adventures of our rag-tag group of friends honestly couldn't form the script for a XXX porno video?

Sigh. Too bad our mishaps more often than not would be used to describe GAY PORN.

So. Was last night any different than the rest? I'll give one shiny nickel to the first person to respond with the correct answer. Here's a hint. The answer is no. (Really, could you expect anything less when Moose cock is hammered and Jody drinks a 40 of malt liquor)???

* * *

For those of you that couldn't/wouldn't/didn't want to come out last night, we had our annual "try to get Dave and Corinna evicted from their apartment" party. Normally our party's are all the rage because (a) Cori and I clean the apartment -- Jody often remarks how much he appreciates that fact -- and (b) food is served. Now usually we ask people to show up at a certain time (in this case 8:00) and invariably, people show up earlier. Since I was cognizant of these facts, I decided to plan ahead and be partially cut by the time my compadre's showed up which meant starting to drink even earlier.

The initial plan called for WAY more people to show up than actually did. Whether it be Mexico, Calgary, ... or hating us ... some of our friends did not show up or otherwise bailed on this. Fuck them...they're dead to me... Heck, even my dear old sister cancelled on me 15 minutes before everyone was to arrive.

Not only were Cori and I were trying to decide if we had a ragin' case of communicable herpes, (hence why no one wanted to come), but we were ALSO just about to head to Block Buster to rent "Bridget Jones' Diary" and blast the signature theme song All By Myself as loud as my speakers could handle. Why, you ask? Because there we were, drinking by ourselves -- I'm convinced we're alcoholics??? -- because it was 8:00 and no one had yet showed up!

But enough of my complaining because it would seem that Greg Gibeault, et al took a page out of P. Diddy's social handbook and rolled up on dubs fashionably late. In any event, can I really be mad where someone shows up to a party with MALT LIQUOR?!?!? If only we had dice so that we could have played a game or two of Cee-Lo... (Doss...when you get your ass up here, I expect you to bring to things. The first is head condoms for us all and the second is Cee-Lo rules straight from the streets of mutha-fuckin' Compton...errr, Philly).

So what can I say about drinking at my place?

Was the music LOUD? - yes.
Did I play any "white music"? - According to Patty, no.
Did we drink every single drop of alcohol? - Ugh. Yes.
Was Dave Mulyk a GOD AMONG MEN? - Undoubtedly.

Now I normally don't like to toot my own horn, but we seem to have a disturbing trend. A lot of my guy friends DO (miraculously?) have girl friends...but, for the most part, it is one huge sausage party whenever we get together. (See comment about gay porno). But this time was different. We don't need to get into the whole "Moose Cock Life Mates personnel ad" again (hey John...did you actually give them a call?) but to make a long story short, a girl that I work with ACTUALLY wanted to come out with us.

As in, I did't have to trick her or use chloroform or anything.

Not only that, but Val convinced her sister Vanessa to come (to the bar) meaning that I was single handly responsible for increasing the chick quotient by 2. (Or, as I like to call it, 66%). As of today, I think it's clear that Val/Vanessa will always be invited to every function we attend considering the fact that they didn't run away screaming from our evil shenanigans. (More on that later).

I'll fast forward through all of the sorrid details of drinking games, mullet wigs, cowboy hats, and Jody Blair's ass pressed against the window to my deck -- of which there ARE pictures. Sadly, however, there were no mussies. Maybe next time. We rolled up to the EMPTY bar (wtf?) and ordered round after round after round.

Moose and I lost at pool, as per usual.
I bought rounds of drinks for the girls, as per usual.
I heard the whistle from the imminent train of destiny, as per usual.

**Flashback**

I work with this guy Mark and he oftens states that he is "planning an intervention" for me so that I don't get slapped with a sexual harrassment suit at work. Heh, heh...he's just joking...right...?!?!?!? He always mentions that there is a line that one must maintain between my personal and my work life. He is worried that I repeatedly approach and cross that line. Well, if I cross the line at work, then I obliterated that mother fucker last night with Val. The TRUE test will be to see whether or not she wants to talk to me at work tomorrow.

**End Flashback**

Now...please, don't get me wrong. It's not like I tried to grope her or anything... As you all know, my prying hands only have "Bette Davis" eyes for Jody and Moose. So what in god's name did I do that will forever change the relationship Val and I have? What image did I sear into her minds' eye?

Well...for starters...there was me and Jody dry humping on the dance floor like a scene straight our of Deliverance. If that wasn't enough, how about me and Moose making a "Jill Sandwich", also on the dance floor? Still want more eh? Well, how about me shaking my ass like I was a Solid Gold dancer?

As I grow older and wiser, I have come to realize that we ALL are, sadly, like Ace and Gary, the ambigiously gay duo.

Val simply laughed and said she was having a great time. I think Val was clearly blitzed out of her mind. As the horrible memories of last night come flooding to the forefront as she reads this email, I fully expect to find out that she has either quit her job or put in for a transfer to another department...

Now it is true that we were the first ones on the dance floor. But we weren't the last. There were a TON of Hot (with a capital H) women at the bar last night that must have been impressed at our apparent lack of dance moves because they soon flocked to us like moths to a flame. (Of course, they weren't NEAR as hot as Jill, Sarah, Corinna, Vanessa, and Val ). In particular were six girls from Idaho. I don't know how Moose found this out but what I do remember is that my wife gave me permission to be Moose's wing man.

Uh-oh. Trouble.

Everyone left the dance floor except for me and John and the girls from Idaho. As usual John struck out because he didn't even try. He fucked off, leaving me to dance with these girls by myself. After using the Patrick Wigmore Hip Check (TM) once or twice, the next thing I knew this one blonde full on grabbed my ass and another one put her arm around my waist.

Was I in paradise? Well, yes. (Me and six chicks...come ON now)!

BUT ALSO NO!!! I was sweating like a rapist! Not only am I married but what the HELL do I know about being a wing man or, since Moose had fucked off, the "Ace Fighter Pilot"? You could say that I am a World War One vintage prop plane and these girls were expecting a Gulf War CF-18.

Not wanting to be "that guy", I politely excused myself from the group to find the safe confines of my friends. God I'm a loser...

There were other hot women in the bar as well and I DID have my camera. We were taking a ton of pictures and that got me into a Shit Storm of Shit of Shitactular Proportions. Sigh...here is the picture that got me into so much trouble.















That's right. THERE WAS NO FUCKING PICTURE. (Well, okay...there may have been a couple but I quickly deleted those...). How can I make a long story short... Let's see. There were these two sluts slutting it up on the dance floor. (Oh yeah...I have a LOT of respect for these douche bags). I was taking pictures of our posse and these bitches equated my camera flash with "Oh...they must be taking pictures of US".

Moose was approached by angry women. I was approached by angry woman. I was approached by boyfriends in the "HULK, SMASHHHHHHHH" frame of drunkenness.

Things got a little tight under the collar like the time we smashed through the snow fence in Camrose and appeared in their "community crime beat" section. I cycled through all the pictures to prove I had none. We got to the wedding photo's when I finally asked fuck-face if he had seen enough.

And I got a little pissed off. I mean, I'm married for god's sake. What do I want to do with pictures of random woman? Well...okay, so there MAY have been a few dozen times -- including my HONEYMOON (hi-oh) -- where I took pictures of random girls for my guy friends. But these people didn't know that! How DARE they question my virtuosity?

I was getting to the point where I either wanted to chew gum or kick ass. And I was out of gum....

What was the god damned issue with pictures? Were these girls underaged? No. Corinna would find out that these girls were strippers and that "I must have been taking their picture to sell on the internet for thousands of dollars".
Riiiiiiiight. Snort another line of coke you paranoid freak.

Never mind that at least one of these girls had a face that would make "a dog's breakfast" look attractive, but EVEN IF I was seriously trying to get a picture of you for the internet to sell, don't you think that you'd have to be NAKED FIRST?!?!? Jesus Christ, I think these girls were getting their nails done when God handed out brains. I wanted to slap their mothers for having such stupid children. Honestly...

Even Corinna wanted to "get into the ring" as it were and teach them a few lessons.

Fortunately saner heads prevailed and we went back to the dance floor. Bon Jovi was requested, and played, and me and Cori decided to leave thereafter because, really, how can you top Bon Jovi? As Cori and I got into the cab I felt bad because I was leaving Val and her sister to the leacherous men in the bar...meaning my friends.

But given that I haven't heard of any of them (yet) being changed with sexual harrassment, I would guess they got home alright...


Once again, if you didn't come out then you missed a great time. (This is, specifically, directed to Sophie...) Til the next time,

Dave

posted by Team Shawn Michaels @ 8:34 p.m.