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Life Set to Theme Songs

So, I'm working here in my little apartment, studying for yet another midterm, and my mind naturally started to drift from the task at hand. I am as sober as a church mouse, am blessed with the reflexes of a jungle cat on crack, but have the attention span of a gnat. Because of this flaw, instead of studying the genetics of flies (fun, motherfucking fun), I have put my life to theme songs from "popular" television shows and movies. Here's the list:

1. Taking a crap-One of life's necessities. We all do it, we all hate it, unless it happens to defile a buddy's bathroom before his new girlfriend is about to visit his apartment for the first time. Then, it is funny as shit (I'm fucking awesome with my ironic word choice)...Shit also has a lot to do with the old '80s show "Airwolf", moreso than just their desirability to watch for long periods of time. When squeezing out an anaconda, nothing gets the motor running like the sound of rotors churing to life. Using the inspirational instrumental as a metronome in which to coordinate the pushing, you can force out any corn-ridden crap in record time. A heroic shit needs a heroic them song, and "Airwolf" fits the bill.

2. Recovering from a hangover but still "needing" to drink-Again, one of life's necessities. The hangovers can be so brutal that they make you want to cry, but knowing that life dictates that you have to pull the rip cord on the drinking machine again the next day makes a theme song for this part of life absolutely paramount. Something truly inspirational is needed, because God knows that your body is screaming at you to stop:

Brain: "I fucking hate you John. Quit fucking drinking you stupid twat."

John: "Brain, you are a piece of shit, and you are coloured like afterbirth. Fuck yourself. I can drink all I want to."

Brain: "You think you're soooooo special, don't you asshole? 'I'm John, and I'm cool. Look at me go!'. You know what dink? Tonight, when you're good and lit, I'm going to convince you that the fifty year old swamp donkey in the bar really is Sharon Stone's hotter sister. If you're lucky, she won't try and do it with you in her grandson's treehouse. Try that on for size prick."

John: "You would be an asshole like that, wouldn't you? You know what? I hope that I do sleep with an old swamp donkey. You know what else I hope? I hope that she has syphillis. The syph goes for the brain, fuck stick."

Brain: "Fine...It looks like I came to this battle of wits unarmed. Drink yourself to death. See what I care."

John: "I will, you bag of dicks."

To resolve this seemingly endless battle, "Terminator 2: Judgement Day" was created. The scene, and the music, where Arnie, apparently dead and no hope for mankind, finds the alternate power supply, pulls the spike out of his body with one arm, and goes and fucks up the most advanced human killing machine ever invented ranks as the epitome of popular culture's cinematic achievements. Though the thumbs-up he gives to John and Sarah Connor as he is lowered into the molten steel, preceded by the "I know now why you cry, but it is something I can never do" line makes real men weep, it still is one of the more inspirational moments ever, and definitely helps all those with the proverbial spikes in their chests find their alternate power supplies to pull through and begin drinking again. Hasta la vista hangover...

3. Writing exams-Unfortunately, many of us are still in school, and as such, we are still burdened with the joys of exams. And with exams, comes the pangs of self-doubt during the test. Sometimes, you just feel like an idiot, and that the solutions are just out of your reach. I've been there literally millions of times myself, but instead of drawing crude pictures of jagged objects penetrating your prof's urethra in the answer spaces, just think of "MacGyver" and his theme music. Now, ol' Mac was one smart prick, and was a walking resource on how to use the laws of physics, chemistry, and biology to your advantage if you're ever trapped in a Peruvian temple by grave-robbers.

"Thank you MacGyver! Thank you so much for preventing the northern chunk of South America from breaking off in the massive earthquake!" a random local villager would say.

"No need to thank me. This pack of gum and the moon's gravitational pull are the real heroes!" MacGyver would answer.

The guy was smart, and he had a mullet. Enough said.

4. Having sex-Now, I've never tried the following theme song out in person, but it has to be better than yelling "Yatzee!" as you blow your wad. Next time you and your partner are feeling amorous, try playing "The Price Is Right" theme song in the background. The happy, high-paced music is a perfect mental distractor from the fact that your girl is faking it this time, and has probably been faking it for the last few years (although I'm still not convinced that girls can orgasm. It seems like a bit of a myth, kind of like aliens or STDs). And if you follow "The Moose's Guide for Picking Up" manifesto, and you happen to find yourself with a warpig, then you can always imagine her to be one of the "Barker's Beauties", the chicks that Bob likes to sexually harass.

There is one flaw with this little song though, and that is Bob's warning to "have your pets spayed or neutered". With the routinely poor performance- immediately going for the goodies without any foreplay, pounding like a jackhammer for two minutes, and passing out on top of her due to the eight Big Bears that you consumed previously that evening-she may consider giving you the old "snip-snip" to prevent you from breeding offspring. Like many of the games on the show, playing this song as you do it comes with great reward, but also great risk.

Let's see...Hmmmm...Shitting, drinking, school, and fucking...Yep, that pretty much has life covered. You now have the keys to everything it takes for a successful existence. Enjoy.

Moose

posted by Team Shawn Michaels @ 2:53 p.m.