Just like you were there!
FRIDAY
What a glorious day! Although our tux fittings were at 2:00 in the afternoon, I had decided to take the whole day off. After all, this was Houle’s big weekend…I wanted to be there for my buddy. Okay, who am I kidding…I just wanted to sleep in, maybe go for a run, watch a little porn – you know, the usual – before going to the tux fitting.
Patty gives me a call. He is a few minutes from town and wants to have a beer or two before the fitting and asks if I’m up for it. Is the Pope Catholic, I ask myself? Of course I’m in for a beer. Besides, it’s a nice sunny day and sitting on the patio of O’Bournes sounds just about the perfect thing to do.
Patty agrees to pick me and my shit up. As I answer the door, Patty introduces me to … uh … Jenn(?) She came back with him from Saskatoon. I wonder if this is Patty’s new woman or what the deal is…but it would turn out that she knew Bissel from Taiwan and had gotten a ride out to Edmonton to come see him for the weekend. And, as you will see later, it’s a good thing her and Patty WEREN’T together – Patty would be a cougar hunter later this weekend.
Jenn seems polite enough and asks to go to the washroom. While there, Patty discreetly informs me that I have some shaving cream in my ear – don’t ask how it got there ‘cause I don’t really know either. I explain to him that this is my “There’s Something About Mary” moment and that it’s not really shaving cream.
We laugh at the joke…but really, I felt pretty stupid because this is the first time I had met this girl and already I looked like a fucktard. Oh well, it wouldn’t be the last time this weekend that I’d feel this way.
We head to O’Bournes. The time is ~1:00 pm and we drink down a couple of beers in an hour before heading to get our tuxes. We get to Derks and Houle, Mr. Houle, Bissel, and Kris are already there. And so is a surprise guest – Mike “Special Constable” O’Connel!
That’s right…he made the trip from Surrey to come to the wedding. I gather it was a surprise too!
The final tux fitting is boring, except for the fact that we had this cute little South African helping us out. (Um...how to put this delicately...she was an APARTHEIDER and not an APARTHEIDEE in case you were wondering). One leg of Patty’s pants were longer than the other so Patty, naturally, had to make a joke regarding the size of his cock.
And even though we think she understood the joke…she kept on keeping on with her job. WOW!
After the tux fitting we head to Julio’s Barrio for – you guessed it – BULLDOGS! Jenn weighs all of 120 pounds and had never had a bulldog in her life. So, by the time she’s finished her second bulldog, she is talking up a storm – about Joe Bissel.
Here are some things that I learned about Joe while he was in Taiwan.
- His room mate in Taiwan was flamingly gay. And yet Joe slept with him in a bed on one occasion.
- Joe spent an entire day at a SPA
- Joe spent his birthday wearing nothing but a red tutu. We thought that was bad enough until Jenn mentioned that she made a mistake – Joe had ACTUALLY won a RED TEDDY.
Can you imagine Joe wearing something like this? ** shudder **
Even better, his Asian students took PICTURES of Joe all prettied up and posted them on the net quicker than you can say Ace and Gary, the Ambiguously Gay Duo. All you had to do was type “Big Joe’s Birthday” in Google and the pictures would come up! Sadly, these pictures are no longer on the ‘net (yes, I checked) because it would have been priceless.
After the bulldogs, we figure we should get close to the Church for the rehearsal. So, this means that we switch bars from Julio’s to the Globe. We barely have time for a couple of double rye-and-cokes before we have to get to the church for the rehearsal.
The rehearsal…well, what can I say about the rehearsal? They are all the same, pretty much. Jon and Mish are up at the front ‘cause the priest wants to speak with them the most. The groomsmen and bridesmaids are at the back of the church. Bissel motions to Megan – a “come over here” kind of gesture with his pointer finger. So Megan gets out of her pew and walks towards us.
“What do you want, Joe”, Megan asks?
“Nothing,” says Joe, “See boys, I told you I could make her cum with just one finger”. HI-OH!
For the rest of the rehearsal, the priest and the nun direct us about the church.
Funny story about the nun. She was BLIND. When Jon and Mish first went to see the Priest to inquire about getting married there, the nun inadvertently grabbed Mishaela’s boobs! Talk about a sticky situation…here is Mish, trying to be nice and not saying anything but at the same time wondering what the fuck the nun is doing feeling her up. This is before she found out she is blind! Mish, in her infinite wisdom said nothing…can you imagine how would she feel if she bitched out the nun and THEN found out she was blind? Needless to say, had that happened, Jon and Mish would have had to find another church!
After the rehearsal, we head to Joe’s house. While there, Joe – ever the kind host – offered us some refreshments. A couple of beer were passed out and Patty asked if Joe had anything to eat ‘cause we were hungry enough to eat the asshole out of a skunk by that point.
“Just some coated peanuts” was Joe’s reply.
Well, fuck…load them up! So Joe grabbed the jar out of his cupboard. However, something didn’t seem right. For one, the “best before” date was March 2004. Secondly, they were covered in this green shit. I would figure out too late what they were – wasabi covered peanuts!!
Without thinking, Patty and I had popped a couple of them bad boys and chowed down. Have you ever had wasabi? Even the tiniest amount is hot and makes your eyes water…well, with these suckers, I was practically CRYING it stung so much. Still, I was fucking hungry…so I must have consumed at least 2 dozen of those bastards, wincing each and every time.
By now it’s getting late. So late, in fact, that Houle is phoning us wondering where in the hell we are because the rehearsal dinner has started without us! We get to their house and the place is pretty full with family, friends, and significant others. I knew that they ordered a full bbq pig for the supper and as I walked downstairs, I was tempted to shout out, “Man, I can’t wait to eat some ass”. Luckily, I keep my mouth shut.
Supper was hosted by J.P. and Elizabeth (Houle’s parents). At this point I would love to point out how smoking hot Houle’s mom really is. Good lord, Moose, you sir were RIGHT! It’s an open bar, dude…but I was mindful of the parents. As I sit down to eat my first of 4 (!) helpings of pig, Mish’s mom was thanking me for being the responsible one in convincing Jon NOT to go golfing the morning of the wedding since we really wouldn’t have time.
Of course, it was actually Bissel and Army who convinced Jon that we shouldn’t go golfing, but I wasn’t about to let that little fact stop me from reaping all the glory!
During supper, I think I found out a little bit of what makes Jon what he is. You see, his dad grabbed the pigs head and walked around the basement, asking people if they wanted head! Nice... Plus, if you've ever wondered where Houle gets that "finger pointing / shaking move", well...it's from J.P.!
After supper, we went to Kris’ apartment…and proceeded to get lit up like a Christmas tree! We drank like mo-fo’s. This was all well and good, but I accidentally logged into my MSN…which was fine. But then an ex-girlfriend of mine also logged on and decided to chat with me.
But I wasn’t at the computer.
I recall someone asking me who Christa was and I mentioned that she was just an ex. Oops… Shouldn’t have done that. The boys proceeded to spend the next 45 minutes trying to get her to change her MSN picture to one that showed her topless…among other things. At one point she typed, “Dave…what’s wrong…this doesn’t seem like you”. Finally, I got on the computer long enough to tell her that it wasn’t really me! (That’s when O’Connell fessed up and told her that it was him…and asked if she wanted to hook up). I shit you not, the next day Christa sent me an email, asking me “what I thought of this Mike guy”!!! O’Connell, you still got it!
Me and Patty finally tapped out at 2 in the morning. It had been a long day – 13 hours of drinking! But the rest of those fuckers kept going. Apparently Houle didn’t get to bed until 4:30 am…and it was KRIS ARMITAGE that had to convince Houle to go to bed.
Mish…I realize that if you are reading this, well, you’re not too happy to be seeing this. But what’s done is done, you can’t unmake the vows, and I’m certain you’ve consummated the marriage so an annulment is off the table!
SATURDAY
We get up at 9:30. Surprisingly, I would say that none of us are hung over! Bissel has to take a massive deuce… So why am I including this in the blog? I mean, a guy taking a shit is his own business. Well, the reason is that Joe flipped on the A/C after he was done. The smell from the bathroom was drafted DIRECTLY into Kris’s bedroom. Talk about a stinky alarm clock! Kris woke up shortly after that!
In a round about fashion, we get ready. First, we watch the wedding scene from Old School. You know, the one where Vince Vaughn tries to convince Will Ferrel to make a last second run from the church and not get married? Then, we watch wedding crashers for some inspiration…more on that to come. Finally, we get dressed. However, as we are putting on our tuxes, Houle looks at his pants. “Uh…guys…something looks wrong. These pants look too short”!
Joe tells Jon to just try the pants. So he does. Sure enough, he is wearing flood pants. Jon starts to panic.
Joe tries to calm him down by mentioning that he’s wearing black socks, it will blend in, and besides…no one will notice him anyways as the crowd will be staring at the bride anyways. Joe tries to get Jon to try on the rest of the tux.
But Jon would have none of it. “Son of a bitch, these guys fucked up. Where’s that god damned toll free number, these guys have ONE HOUR to fix their screw up”.
We tell Jon not to worry and that we’ll take care of it. In the meantime, we get him to continue to put on his tux. He reaches in the tux bag and asks, “Why are there two vests in here”?
Then it dawns on him. We’ve pulled a prank. Jon’s words are barely audible, “You fucking cocksuckers”.
You see, through friends of friends, we managed to convince the owner to include TWO different tuxes in one bag. The first one – the real one – we hid in the Army’s apartment. But the other tux is many different sizes, all of which would not fit Houle! Flawless Victory, Joe!
Finally we get dressed. We take a few pictures in the apartment, one with a Hustler magazine that Patty and I had purchased the night before, and then head to the church.
Outside the church, we had a quick beer. Then, we walked up to the church looking a lot like the Reservoir Dogs:
We get to the “groomsmen waiting room” where we are going over the ceremony in our minds based on last night’s rehearsal. Joe is walking us through some of the religious parts, proclaiming that he was “this close” to being an alter boy as a child and that he is “closer to god” than any of us because of it. Shortly thereafter, he lets out a massive F-bomb…and the blind nun is in the room when he does it.
We all head our heads in shame and say nothing…not that it mattered, ‘cause she couldn’t see us anyways!
The ceremony itself is great. Mish looked smoking hot and never cried, although she was close as she was walking up the aisle. Here are some pics:
Funny story about the wedding. The Priest was all business throughout the whole thing...until it comes time for Jon to sign the wedding certificate. The Priest announced, "And this is the part where Jaw-nah-tan -- remember, this is a french priest and that's how you pronounce his name -- signs his life away". ZING!
Finally the ceremony is over. It was a “short” Catholic ceremony, in French and English. Of course, short by Catholic standards is still long by any other standards. Still, at 45 minutes long, I figure we get off lucky.
As the recessional music plays, Patty and I BOTH escort Megan down the aisle. You see, Patty’s “date” had gotten preggers 7 months earlier and had withdrawn from her bridesmaid’s duties. Since there wasn’t a replacement, Patty and I had the honor of being Megan’s date.
Can you say TAG TEAM!?!?!
We get to the rows of pews were the boys are sitting. I call out, “Uh-oh, Patty, I think she’s done it again…”. I think I feel Megan stiffen up…but we don’t embarrass her here in the church.
I’ll skip forward at this point to the pictures. They were taken at the Legislature…along with 50 other brides. Good lord, the place was like a ZOO. But the best part (or was it the worst) was that it was National Aboriginal Day at the legislature! Native Americans all over the place…you can use your imagination what it was like.
At one point, a children’s entertainer gets on stage. He does a variety of impressions (such as what Beavis and Butt head would sound like if they were Native, what Mickey Mouse and Popeye and others would sound like if they sang a pow-wow song. You know…the usual. He also had a series of puppets. When he took out the Missy Piggy and Kermit the Frog puppet, I thought I would die. Observe:
Kermit: Hey Miss Piggy. Why is it that you and I are a lot like a Native couple?
Miss Piggy: Why Kermy, I have no idea.
Kermit: Because the woman is usually larger than the man!!
I am NOT making this up…this honestly happened. I nearly died from laughter.
Speaking of dying, there was this one wedding party in the same vicinity of ours. To say that one of the bridesmaids in that party was a little hefty is to say that the Great Wall of China is a tiny picket fence! Jesus Christ…how much fabric was needed to make her dress? I was wondering if I could take it off her hands when she was done with it to make Patty a new tent (see the Bachelor email to get the reference). Even Mishaela had to point out what a beast this lady was. I couldn’t help but wonder which groomsman was paired up with her, and if he faked having ebola before the first dance. I was thinking this about the same time that Kelly Million was talking about her fiancée (Edmund) and his big black monster cock. Yup…I think Kelly was a teensy bit drunk at the pictures …not that we really COULD drink because these security type of Nazi’s were out in full force during the pictures.
Okay…let’s flash forward to the reception. Supper is amazing, and Ryan Martin and Chrissy Lavalee do a good job on being MC – with little to no preparation time! Ryan would introduce the groomsmen and labeled me the “responsible one”. People that know me, of course, laughed…but those that didn’t thought it was the truth. Oh, how wrong they would be later on that night.
Jon did up a slide show – which was REALLY well done (good job, Jon) – and at one point there is a picture of Mishaela standing next to a slot machine. Naturally, I feel obliged to yell out, “Sanchu?” as loud as I can. There was also a stunning photo of ME in the slide show which came from the stag…sigh.
At some point, someone comes up to the head table and asks for a “crazy groomsmen photo”. So Patty, Bissel, and I all take a long pull from a wine bottle for the picture. That, right there, would characterize the rest of the evening. Meaning, of course, pure shit-facededness!
In the meantime, I think it would be prudent to highlight the “Cock Block of the Night” brought to you by Noel’s Numbing Cream
O’Connell is a single man and he’s a ladies man, which makes for a dangerous combination. Mishaela is a nurse with hot nurse friends which is also a dangerous combination. Get the two together and is a veritable explosion waiting to happen (cue Dishwalla’s When We Collide as background music). Mike is chatting up this rather attractive looking single blonde nurse (roughly 30 years old?) when J.P. Houle walks over to him with a phone in hand.
J.P.: Hey Mike, it’s your wife on the phone. She says to tell you that the kids are a bit sick, but they are all right and that you shouldn’t worry about them and just have a fun time tonight.
Mike: What the fuck are you talking about? I don’t have a wife and kids. Now, where was I, baby?
But it was too late! The chick was gone quicker than you can say “Kris Armitage” and “Time to Pay the Bill”.
And THAT, ladies and gents, was one of the greatest cock blocks I have ever heard of in my life.
In other news, you’d be happy to know that tables 14(a) and (b) were out in full force, as was Jon and Mish’s ball team. Those three tables drank more booze than the rest of the guests combined, I swear. A lot of the night is fuzzy. One part that you need to keep in mind is that the supper was held at the Polish Hall. Sanchu, having just come back from Poland two days earlier, was so giddy because he could “talk to these people in their native tongue”. Never mind how incredibly racist that sounded – Kunal actually told him to stop referring to the service staff as “those people” – but I can recall Sanchu trying to teach us Polish phrases such as “thank you”, and “would you like to sleep with me”.
The night degraded from there into the single defining moment of my life. I was in the bathroom when the first few bars were played. Eric Prydz was beckoning me to the stage…but it may as well have been DESTINY calling. Collect. Not that it mattered, ‘cause I would have accepted the long distance charges anyways.
I look at Jody. He looks at me. We both knew what we had to do.
You’ve all seen the (partial) video from Garth’s camera. What you don’t see is the song when it first starts up, with at least a DOZEN people on stage doing the dance. Indeed, I think Chad is trying to dry hump Megan from behind…but I digress.
It’s only once they leave that Jody and I really ramp it up. To recap the high (low) lights:
- Me twirling two chairs. (Think Britney Spears in her “Stronger” video). Then, I jump on these chairs – legs spread apart – vigorously humping the air
- Me and Jody writhing and pumping the air on the chairs
- Turning to face the crowd, shaking my ass round and round
- Getting tossed bridesmaids flowers. Thrusting the air with the flowers in my groin region
- Doing the back and forth “slap from behind” moves with said flowers.
Quite honestly, I’m surprised that I didn’t try to strip down to nothing! (Ladies…yes, we ARE available for your next stagette)!
At this point, my memory is failing. But I can tell you a few other things that happened at the party.
Edmund – completely sober – owning the dance floor like he INVENTED dancing. Honestly…it was amazing. There was ONLY one move that would have beat what he was doing; namely, the Worm. But that son of a bitch did that one too!
Joe left the party (say, around 1:30?) Couldn’t get a cab – honestly, it was ridiculous – so he walked down the street to a main drag in an attempt to get a cab. Decided it was too far to walk, so he rested on a bus bench…and promptly fell asleep. Wakes up when his friend Luke rolls up in a cab and asks him if he wants a ride home. Joe has no fucking clue where he is, what time it is…nothing! Thank god for Luke, or Bissel would have slept in the drunk tank that night for sure.
Patty is ready to leave as well and it waiting outside for a cab. Sits on the step when who should walk up but the hot blonde that O’Connell had been trying to score with. Patty hadn’t said more than two words all night to her…but still managed to get back to her place. Score! I guess what won her over was the fact that Patty was taking his Master’s in Accounting – so she reasoned that he couldn’t possibly be THAT young…. I think where Patty went wrong was actually confirming his young age to her. Had he not done that, he would have definitely bedded that cougar. Instead, however, she made him sleep on the floor with no blankets, no pillow, nothing!
O’Connell and Clint Galloway leave the reception…and go for a walk and find ANOTHER wedding nearby. They stroll right in, grab a beer, sign the registry…etc. It is exactly like wedding crashers! Problem was they walked into a SMALL wedding. I believe at one point someone asked them who the hell they were. I can’t remember what Mike said, but they realized they needed to beat a hasty retreat!
Of course, we sang "You've Lost that Loving Feeling" to Megan. And the way we did it was amazing. Patty got a mike from the DJ and started with those famous lines of "I think she's done it again, boys". And for the first time in her life, Megan didn't fight the song...she didn't shrink in embarrassment. Instead, she RELISHED in the song, dancing to it, etc. Of course, the fact that she was finishing off half empty bottles of wine probably helped...but I'm proud of the progress she made!
SUNDAY
Just a quick recap of the gift opening.
1. Patty was still in his tux. It was freakin’ hilarious because EVERYONE in the room knew that he did not sleep at home. Some even knew WHERE he spent the night.
But that’s not even the best part. The girl he stayed the night with was SO embarrassed of what she did, that when she dropped Patty off at Jon and Mish’s house, she did NOT want to drive up to the front door. Instead, she got to the corner of the block and made him get out to walk the rest of the way.
However, just as Patty got out of the car, who should pull up but all the bridesmaids! They saw him get out of her car…she was sooooo busted. Patty said she tried to slink down in her car, out of sight, hiding below her door windows!
2. You can only imagine how much I wanted to NOT go to the gift opening considering my performance the night before. Indeed, when we got there, Houle’s mom had to ask Cori how long we had been dating before we got married, and if she knew that “I was like that” before she said yes. But, once all the strange glares were over with, I’m glad that I did go because Jon’s uncle Andrew showed me the ENTIRE dance from beginning to end. I don’t think I’ve laughed harder in my life. Cori had tears she was crying / laughing so hard, and this was the second time she’d seen it!
3. Finally, I made up for some of the embarrassment by getting Jon and Mish a kick ass gift. (This is my blog, ergo I toot my own horn). I got them a leather bound bottle of 10-year port. The logo of the bottle, along with their names and date of wedding, was stamped into the leather. The port has to age for another ten years, so the idea being that on their 10th wedding anniversary they can actually use my gift. I thought it was kind of thoughtful and not your every-day-run-of-the-mill gift. Besides, with my performance the night before, I SO needed to score a home run with a kick ass gift to get me in the good graces of Jon and Mish – and, more importantly – their families!
Well that, in a nutshell, was the wedding. Hope you enjoyed it…and watch for the DVD of my and Jody’s dance hitting a store near you!
posted by Team Shawn Michaels @ 7:09 p.m.
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